5/10/2017 0 Comments May 10th, 2017In late 2014, I had a personal encounter with Christ that completely changed me. I came out of that moment thinking that everything in my life had changed. I realized that assessment wasn’t entirely accurate. I had changed, my attitude had changed, and my outlook had changed; but the lives of those around me hadn’t. They hadn’t experienced what I had, they were still stuck in the snare of the world. I thought it was my job to try to help them break free, especially where my kids were involved.
The beginning of my personal freedom came when I laid down everything I ever thought I wanted; every dream, every hope, every desire was cast aside so that I could fully embrace God’s will for my life. Becoming a slave to Christ was the most freeing thing I have ever experienced. However, I have realized over the past year that the hopes and dreams I had for my kids weren’t included in the “Laying everything down at His feet” part of my journey. I still had so many mommy ideas of what and who they would grow into. So many expectations about their futures and their potentials. I often missed seeing the glorious creations in front of me because I was too busy looking past their now to their then. I think every parent looks into the eyes of their infant child and believes the world is wide open to their baby. We see every potential in our own children and every dream for a future without problems. But every life has problems, even the lives of our kids. I know I beamed with pride at their accomplishments over the years, but never took credit for them. Yet, every failure of theirs I took personally. I felt like a failure as a mom when they lacked the success the world desires. I would earnestly pray that everything would turn out right and they would receive a blessing. I think sometimes that is a prayer against God’s will. Three of my four children are adults in the legal definition of adult, but they are still my babies. And I realize that my hopes and dreams for their lives have been superseded by a divine destiny they each have. That realization has led me to some of the hardest prayers I have ever prayed. Instead of infinite blessing and a life of ease, I asked that His will be their guide. As much as I want their lives to be good, I want their lives to mean something for God. Instead of success and the picture perfect “Facebook” life, I want them to prosper for the kingdom. No more pressure for worldly success. And the hardest prayer of all, that He would break them if they strayed. If they choose a lifestyle against His will, he would do whatever it takes to lead them back. The problem with that last prayer is I didn’t realize how much it would hurt me when He answered it. I had to be completely broken to be restored, and it was wonderful AFTER the breaking part, but horrible when it was happening. But when it’s your own child being dashed against the rocks, the pain is indescribable. And during this time, I keep going back to all the possibilities and missed opportunities from her early years. It is so hard not to beat myself up and cry tears of regret when I think about how I could have been a better mother. Was I too hard, too soft, too firm, too lenient, too angry, too loving, etc. etc. The devil loves it when I crawl into my head and doubt everything I ever did. But in the middle a chaotic night of self-demonization when I was trying desperately to “take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ” I heard a whisper in my ear. “I’ve got this.” “What was that?” I mumbled trying to silence the doubts in my head. “I’ve got THIS.” “What about the expense of the treatment program that insurance won’t cover?” I’VE got This!” “What about the stigma associated with mental illness when she returns to the real world?” “I’VE GOT THIS!” He’s got this! When I relinquished the control I never really had over my kids and laid down everything at His feet, including every dream I had for them, He could finally move in their lives without my interference. I’ve spent too many sleepless nights crying over a past I can’t change and regretting every wrong mom decision. If I truly believe that God’s got this, then I need to relax and breathe. As much as I love my children, He loves them more. I want good things for them, but He knows what is best. It goes against every fiber of my momness to let them fail, but sometimes they have to fall before they fly, and I need to trust Him in all of this. Money, medical, and mom inadequacies, I give it all to him. He gave me my greatest gifts, my kids; time to reciprocate and truly trust Him with my babies.
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AuthorI am a Christian, a wife, a mom, and a part-time basket case who wants to be a full time writer.
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