Another anxious night. No sleep. Tossing & turning. A jumble of emotions and turbulent thoughts racing through my head. Finally, after hours wasted in fitful sleep, I got up an hour before the alarm. Insomnia won again in spite of my fatigue.
No sense wasting the opportunity to get to work in my house without the distraction of the needs of others, I refolded the tumble of towels in my cabinets, straightening out the assortment of linens my family had just stuffed in there with no thought to order. After that I started on the bathroom cabinets, quietly opening doors and rearranging or discarding items that they held.
I wish I could do the same with my thoughts. I wish I could empty the bad and refold and reorder whatever bothers me, but that's rough. I know that 2Cor 10:5 says “We demolish arguments & every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God. And we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ.” There is the rub, we are supposed to do just that: organize our thoughts to align with Jesus.
Make my thoughts obedient to Christ? All of them? The racing, jarring thoughts that keep me up at night. The searching, condemning thoughts that make me question my value and worth in this world. The angry, shaming thoughts that make my stomach ache with regret and guilt. Reigning them and making them obedient to Christ? Wow, what a challenge.
This morning, I let my busyness consume me for an hour. Instead of thinking and organizing my thoughts, or praying for relief from worry, I fell into the trap of tedious activity to distract from the real issues. Instead of figuring out what was causing my anxiety, I accepted the frantic sleeplessness and rode the wave of manic energy that accompanied it by reorganizing the tangible, not the important.
When the day finally started for the rest of my family, I was exhausted. The luxury of sleep was lost last night, replaced by meaninglessness. This afternoon, I will probably be in full on crank mode. Right when my family needs me the most, I will be sluggishly functioning in automatic. I wonder which they appreciate more: a neatly organized linen closet, or a nicely, attentive mom? Hmmm. Not hard to figure that one out.
When I let my thoughts wander to all the deep, dark crevices of mind, I dishonor God. I can speak on obedience to Christ, but I also need to think on obedience to Christ. When I refuse to face the things that are bothering me and sweep out the corners of my consciousness, I deny his promises. Maybe if I trusted Him enough to take the scary plunge into my own psyche and ask God to ferret out what fears I am harboring, I could find rest. He knows what’s hidden, I just need to trust.
Sometimes I like being alone with my thoughts other times I run from the solitude. I think I will choose to stand and face the monsters of my dreams knowing that God is there to sooth away the anxiety and slay the hurts that haunt my subconscious.
But I have to do my part. I have to “take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ”. Not an easy task, But entirely possible with the grace of God.
Tonight will be different, tonight I will find rest in the comforting arms of God. My thoughts can no longer hold me captive when I am in God’s embrace.
I am a Christian, a wife, a mom, and a part-time basket case who wants to be a full time writer.